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Those are not my thoughts...
July 6, 2008
We are celebrating! The hospital ‘waiting room’ experience is over. The second heart procedure on my husband was very painful but he is with us today and we are grateful to God.
I wasn’t celebrating five years ago as I sat in that very same hospital waiting room. That time my husband was sitting beside me as his mother was having the same procedure done. She died during the procedure.
My daughters and I found ourselves having to do the same thing with their father. Our thoughts immediately went to the outcome of five years before. Fear sets in. We try not to think about it. We tell ourselves this is not the same. Their father is younger. He is in good shape. He is healthy.
Finally, after crying a bit, we pull ourselves together and work at not thinking about it. You know how it goes, the harder you try NOT to think about something the more the thought keeps coming. It’s much like waiting for the train to pass on the tracks at the intersection. The railroad cars, with the same company name on each, goes by one by one and you have no idea when this will end.
Sure, there’s a little reprieve from the thought while you are at work and distracted. Or maybe the kids are fighting and you are the referee. But the thought, like the railroad cars, keeps coming.
You can’t tell anyone else what you’re thinking. They will immediately tell you, “that is not going to happen to him.” How do they know? No one knows what the outcome will be except God!
As the thought keeps coming I hear the quiet whisper of God saying, “those are not My thoughts.” Exactly, they are not His thoughts! His thoughts from Isaiah 41:10 tell me, “Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.” (MSG) “Holding steady” is what we needed. He will “keep a firm grip and hold us steady.”
Over the loud speaker I hear “Code 4” and panic grips my heart as my thoughts go back to the day five years ago. The same words were heard then. I hear the quiet whisper, “those are not My thoughts.” He’s holding me steady!
A man is wheeled past us down the hall. The medical team is pumping on his chest, bagging his airway as they are racing for the operating room. Panic grips my heart once again. How is it going in there, is my husband okay, are they having to artificially pump his heart? I hear the quiet whisper, “those are not My thoughts”. He’s holding me steady, He has a firm grip on me.”
I hear a voice riddled with distress. I look up to see a young man, fear in his eyes, calling his place of employment to tell them he won’t be in because his dad is having a heart attack. What if that happens to me too? I start to rehearse what I would say to my boss when I hear the quiet whisper, “those are not My thoughts.”
I listened to His voice, His firm grip held me steady, I had nothing to fear.
Rhoda
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